History of Dodgeball

Ancient Dodgeball was played by opium-addicted Chinamen, who threw severed human heads at each other.The heads were mostly harvested from white people, who were disgusting and an anarchronism anyway. Back then, the objective was not so much to dodge the head as it was to catch the head in one's mouth before flinging it violently back at the opponent. The object was not only to peg the other player, but also to hit him with such ferocity that the human head would literally explode, causing a flurry of skull and brain material to shower the loser and forcing much shame and dishonor upon him. More often than not, the loser would then decapitate himself, thereby regaining some honor while also allowing the game to go on. And afterwards, the winning team would eat the heads they played with as a sign of honor.

Modern Dodgeball was invented by Augustus Hagerson in Africa in 1832. However, all Hagerson did to "modernize" it was to give teams funny names, like "The Dodging Squirrels". The popularity of the game soared, as did the popularity of those kinky rubber balls found in elementary school gym closets around the world. According to a recent international poll, dodgeball is one of the most popular sports out there. Even the stuck-up pansy Queen of England is on record as saying "dodgeball kicks butt." Indeed it does. It is not, however, an Olympic sport.